I wanted to share a testimony with you of what happened yesterday after I wrote my latest post, Take Me Higher.
For the past month, I’ve been struggling with the album I have been working on. It started off great, and then I got lost inside my head. I began to overthink everything. So I prayed, and I asked God if it was a spiritual attack on my mind or if I needed to step back for a moment. I had to completely remove myself from the project for a couple weeks because the stress became so great that I could barely focus.
You see, the track list of this album is full of symbolism. The lyrics are deep with emotion and honesty. Though they are laced with hope and light, most of them were written on days when I was in so much pain that I could barely speak. I am proud of the songs and I’ve been complimented on the writing. Many opportunities opened up for me when I first started to play them in coffee shops and out on the streets. In 2014, I was determined to start recording the album.
Right before I moved back to California, a little over a year ago, I played a concert in LA. I had intended on playing these particular songs, but when I arrived I decided to simply worship in the way that I would in my own private time with the Lord. The outcome was life changing. I was able to share my testimony and I had several people come up to me afterward asking more about God. As I left the venue, I felt completely alive and I told the Lord,
“If this is what You desire for me to do for the rest of my life, I would be happy to simply be a carrier of Your presence and create an atmosphere of worship wherever You send me.”
Months passed, I put the album on hold and produced a worship EP instead. As many of you know, 2015 was a very difficult year for me. God rescued me out of a very dangerous situation that would have impacted the rest of my life. It has been a journey of great healing and a time of God showing me, once again, who I am.
To be honest, for quite a few years, I have been walking around feeling like a shell of myself. Last night, when I gave up, I knew exactly what I needed to do. It was as if a ginormous burden rolled off of me. I woke up feeling as if something I lost a long time ago had finally returned.
Yes, I am completely dropping the album I thought I was going to release. There were parts of me that felt I needed to prove something to myself, as well as to those who had hurt me tremendously during the time when I wrote the songs. I don’t want that to be the reason I produce music.
I am letting go because I can no longer carry the words and images that live between the lines. I need to start fresh or I know I will not be able to heal.
Don’t get me wrong, God used those songs to reach people in my previous season. He also used them to heal me in many areas of my heart. Perhaps He will one day use them again, but for now I am completely letting go . . .
and I’ve never felt so alive and confident in the Lord.