How great is the love of God. A love that has no shadowy corners, where fear may hide. No grey lines, only black and white. I found love in the dark, for love dwells there as much as in the light.
This love restores my soul. Last week, I stayed in the home of a beautiful friend, and sister, of mine down in Southern California. It turned out to be a refuge, for such a time as this, where I was able to get away and surrender some broken areas in my heart. A safe place where I could be honest before Him and myself, to grieve and to heal.
This love also healed my body. Yes, He did. Literally. And He did it with dramatic flair. I had severe allergies to dairy and gluten, the key word being had. That evening, I immediately went out and bought my first milkshake in four years—a tasty treat that would have made me literally feel like I was dying in the past. Guess what? No side effects. In fact, I woke up the next morning feeling better than I have in a long time.
This love knows my every need. I’d like to introduce you to Rebecca. Rebecca and I have been long-distance friends for around six years. Her heart oozes with the love of God. She was brought into my life at a time when I was about to hit rockbottom. Thank you, Rebecca, for seeing me through the eyes of love, in those moments when many people didn’t know what to do with me. I was honored to be able to spend last week with you and to be adopted into your wonderful family. I look forward to future visits. Thank you.
This love brought me full circle. On Friday night, I was blessed with a gig in Bellflower, CA. It was my last night in the area, I was feeling raw from the events of the week, yet I was filled with peace. I could not believe where I was. I was standing in the same venue that had invited me out to play when I was eighteen years old. At the time, I was struggling desperately to keep my head above the water, while trying to keep others from seeing my true status. A couple nights before the gig, I decided that I could not go on that stage. I could barely even sing the lyrics of my songs anymore without sobbing. Struggling with an eating disorder, self harm and depression, I felt I could not get up on that stage and lie about where I was. I decided that I needed to disappear, so I attempted to stop my heart. The concert was cancelled, but my life wasn’t.
Sharing my testimony on that same stage was epic. It was surreal watching my twenty-four year old self walk up to the microphone and share what God has done. It was surreal seeing God move so powerfully through that evening. It was surreal to hear testimonies of what God did in the lives of those who were present. And this is why I can say . . .
His love is worth everything. I was the young girl who used to scream, actually scream, curse words at Him. His love never turned away from my anger, from my broken heart. And His love is here with you as well. Whether you can see it or not, no matter where you are in life right this second, it is with you. I promise.
This is what compels me to keep my eyes on Him. I know that He is trustworthy. When He had me walk away from my job, He proved Himself faithful to do His part. When He had me give up my apartment and sell my possessions, He proved Himself faithful to do His part. This is what compels me to trust Him with everything, to give up everything. Because honestly, when you catch even a small glimpse of His face, you realize that nothing else will ever compare to Him. You realize that trusting Him is the only good option.
I took the long way back. After my gig, I drove through the night to see my oldest sister and her babies. And that, my friends, was exactly what I needed. A little time of refreshing before I head off to Iceland this week. It filled my heart with joy to sit and talk with my seven year old nephew, and to hold my one year old niece and see her silly expressions.
There is great healing in doing simple things. It had been years since I had been able to go to a beach and stick my feet in the water. My nephew and I rolled up our pants and ran straight in. There was so much wonder and joy, as we discovered the treasures found as the waves rolled in and out. I, of course, had the job of holding the shells. Oh, how I love that little boy.
In five more days, I’ll be out of the country. Today I begin to frantically prepare myself and pack for my trip to Iceland. Like with my trip to California turning out to be longer than I expected, I am prepared to stay longer in Iceland. It looks like that might happen, though I don’t have a clue how long. I also don’t know how often I’ll have wifi, which means there may be days without updates. I promise to post when I am able. I have no doubt that there will be many stories to share.
While in Iceland, we will be ministering at a conference. For those of you who haven’t heard, I am now part of the nonprofit ministry, His Glory to the Nations. It was a true honor to be asked to join the team and I can’t wait to see where God is going to take us. Stay tuned for updates in the next few weeks.